Prompt

YOU HAVE 20 MINUTES LEFT TO LIVE, WHAT DO YOU DO? HOW ARE YOU SO CERTAIN YOUR LIFE WILL BE ENDING SOON?

NOTE: This is what I came up with. *shrug*

COURTNIE is in her late 20’s. She’s on a video call with her best JAS as she’s getting ready for bed. It’s 8pm.

JAS| Are you feeling better?

COURTNIE| Huh? (brushing her teeth)

JAS| you cancelled lunch today… Because you said you weren’t feeling well.

COURTNIE| Oh… I

JAS|  You lied ??

COURTNIE|  No (Spits) I didn’t feel well. I just don’t know what’s going on with me today

JAS| What’s going on? What’s on your mind?

COURTNIE| Sleep. That’s the only thing I could think of all day today.

JAS| You Didn’t get enough sleep last night?

COURTNIE| You don’t understand. I don’t think I ever felt this tired before. It’s kind of abnormal. I thought I slept pretty well last night. I laid down and within 10 minutes, I was out! My alarm went off this morning and I was okay. You know I usually wake up mad because-

COURTNIE and JAS| The day can’t be good if I have to set an alarm

JAS| I know you hate waking up but-

COURTNIE| (washing her face) Yes So to combat my bad mood, I set my alarm to be a calming sound. Some days I wake up to D.R.A.M. and SZA taking caaaaare of me. (singing off-key)

JAS| I will, even if I got a man nooww (joins in the off key singing)

COURTNIE| So you already know that’s just the softest song I can wake up to. It really does the trick. But today, it just didn’t do it for me. I was in pain, disoriented, and not fully rested.

JAS| You probably slept wrong. You tend to sleep like you’re trying to do origami with your body.

COURTNIE| Okay I sleep bad. But you don’t understand how terrible I felt all day.I felt like my eyes weren’t meant to be open. I felt like 40-pound weights were strapped to my limbs. Time was dragging all day. My 30 minute meeting really just went on for 4 days.

JAS| 4 days sis? It’s only been a few hours…

COURTNIE| Let me be dramatic for a minute.

JAS| okay you got it, go ahead be dramatic

COURTNIE| So I tried everything. I drank copious amounts of caffeine, I splashed cold water on my face, I did jumping jacks… JUMPING JACKS.

JAS| Exercise? You???

COURTNIE| EXACTLY. And nothing. Nothing could pull me out of this funk. So I had to cancel our lunch date to eat by myself in my car. I couldn’t pass on my bad mood. No one deserves that. I just couldn’t do anything today. I’m glad my boss let everyone go home early.

JAS| Why did he let everyone go home?

COURTNIE| Something about carbon monoxide?

JAS| What!?

COURTNIE| Who cares? He said we don’t have to come back until Tuesday or something.

JAS|  I think that’s pretty serious. Maybe you should get checked out by a doctor.

COURTNIE|  Maybe tomorrow or whenever I wake up. I’m going to set my phone to do-not-disturb. Turn off all notifications, alarms and actually never mind I’m just going to turn my phone off altogether. I’m going to get the uninterrupted sleep I deserve. There’s no way I can stay up another minute.

JAS| It’s only 8pm

COURTNIE| Yeah I know but it’s 10pm somewhere. But I will call you when I wake up. Good night

12:34am. An alarm goes off. We hear the sound of an old fashioned alarm clock. And then COURTNIE crying.

COURTNIE|  I thought I turned this off

 She can’t turn the alarm off

COURTNIE|  Why won’t this stop?

She Throws the phone across the room. This gets the alarm to stop. A minute later, Courtnie hears a notification ping on her phone. She is sitting up in her bed.

COURTNIE|  12:34am. When have I ever set an alarm for 12:34 in the morning? Why would I ever do this? Something has to be up. For the past few weeks, I’ve been seeing this time. I would always look up at exactly 12:34. Not a minute before and not a minute after. This has to mean something. I’m not sure what but this has to symbolize something.

She gets out of bed to grab her phone.

COURTNIE| (reading the text message) “Your time is up” ? what kind of ominous ass advertisement is this??? Firstly,  I need to stop giving my number out. Secondly, I just need to go back to sleep

TEXT: You’ll be able to sleep real good real soon.

COURTNIE|  I- What? Usually you just have to type “stop” in all caps to stop getting random messages (typing) STOP

TEXT: NO

COURTNIE|  WHAT?? (typing) remove my number from your list

TEXT: Are you ready to sleep Courtnie?

COURTNIE|  (typing) Who is this???

TEXT: Bitch are you ready to die?

COURTNIE|  (typing) block me back

Dear Diary (Part Three)

3

April 6, 2018

Dear Diary,

I stayed in my bed all day. I only got up to use the bathroom. It really sucks feeling like this. I told myself to just go out and be friendly and maybe I wouldn’t feel so lonely. I talked myself out of it real quick though. I haven’t eaten properly. I’ve only been eating what I have in my room… and that’s just granola bars and soy milk. I feel like If I go to the dining hall alone, people will stare at me. They’ll talk about me. They’ll wonder 

“why is she eating alone?”

”She can’t make friends?” 

“why is she ugly crying into her salad?”

And I’m not sure I can take the judgment. So I’ll eat all these granola bars until Jay comes back.

He video called me last night so that we can have dinner together. Since I wasn’t brave enough to go to the dining hall alone, I lied to him. I told him that I was nauseous so I couldn’t eat. He asked what I ate earlier and I lied again and told him I had soup. I just talked to him while he ate. He had chicken and mashed potatoes and gravy. It looked really good. Just looking at it made my stomach growl so loud. I thought he heard it. He told me he was having a nice time at home. He never talks about his home life. I wish he did. He didn’t even tell me why he had to go back home. I tried to ask him but he just gave me a vague answer. He just said he had some errands to run. I hope he’s okay. And most importantly, I hope he comes back fast because I’m starving. I know I shouldn’t feel this attached to this man. It’s honestly ridiculous. 2 and a half months ago I was very independent and could do things by myself. But now, I need him like he’s some kind of guardian. 

After he hung up, I started to think about how we met. I thought about how all the events in my life led me to him. It was such a weird time for me… It’s still a weird time for me. But 2 months ago was when I gave up. I know I’m already really reckless now, but I was at 10 back then. I’d say I’m a solid 6.5 now. I was really lonely and depressed. I did not care if I lived or died. I would only eat yogurt and dry oatmeal because it’s all I had the energy for. I could not sleep. I went 3 days straight without sleeping. And when I finally got to sleep, I woke up an hour later. It drove me crazy. I tried counting sheep and I put lavender essential oils on my pillows. I had warm milk and chamomile tea. I bought melatonin and over-the-counter sleep aids. I even tried that calming sounds app. Nothing helped. I was really starting to lose my sanity. So I did what I do best and I gave up. I took all the sleeping pills I had left. And threw in some melatonin to make sure I would not wake up. Ever. I took a hot shower, put on my comfiest pajamas, and crawled into bed. As soon as my head hit the pillow, my body immediately felt so weak. I didn’t have to roll around to find a comfortable position. I didn’t have a million and one thoughts. I was out. I thought that would’ve been the end for me. I really really hoped it was. 

I woke up 20 hours later.

 I sat up in my bed and cried. I was devastated. It was 7:35 pm and I was still alive. I got out of bed and fell to the floor. My legs were too weak to stand. I crawled to the bathroom and threw up. My head was pounding. My stomach was growling. And my heart was heavy. I drank some cold water, took an Aleve, and opened my window. I just sat there and listened to the sounds of the night until I had enough strength to eat. I went to the dining hall and I ate very slowly. I watched everyone around me come in, eat their meals, and leave. It felt like I was eating for hours. As I was finishing up, someone came up to me and handed me a flyer. “Come through to our party, It’ll be lit! There will be boatloads of booze!” I took the flyer back to my room and laid down for a bit. I looked over the flyer again and talked myself into going. I thought that since I just beat death, I deserved some free booze.  

I went in all black. Black jeans, black sweater, black jacket. Everyone seemed to have come with their friends and they were all having fun. I walked in and helped myself to whatever alcohol they were serving. It was some kind of mixture in a really big storage bin. Whatever it was, it was quite potent. I had a few sips and began to feel incredibly weak. My vision got blurry. I was stumbling over my feet. And then finally, I was just floating around. I ended up outside laying on a big rock.  I don’t know how long I was sitting for. Or even if I looked normal. But I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. 

“Hey, are you okay?” It sounded so deep. I felt his voice inside my body. It bounced off my bones and seeped into veins. “I’m okay.” I didn’t even turn to look at the man that was speaking to me. I kept looking at the sky. I felt like it was the safest thing to look at since the Earth was spinning. “Can I sit with you?” “Yes yo-” I turned over and puked mid-sentence. It might’ve been all the sleeping pills mixing around with the alcohol. Or the fact that I was drinking this mysterious potion with half a sandwich in my stomach. The man with the deep voice went “OH SHIT” and ran away. I scared away a stranger. That was a new kind of rejection to me. I almost started to cry but then I heard someone running towards me. The deep voice came back. “Here, have some water. This should make you feel better.” I drank it slowly.  He patted my back and said that the potion was lethal. “If only,” I said. He laughed and said “mood.” I finally looked up at him and It was so crazy actually. The street lights were shining behind him and he looked like an angel.   

 I sipped the water slowly and after I finished, he asked if I felt any better. I didn’t but I said yes anyway. “I feel great actually, I think I might’ve been poisoned. But I threw it all up. I’m fine now.” Then I got up but stumbled a bit. “Maybe you should relax for a little bit longer. There’s no rush.” I sat back down and just looked up at him for a bit. He looked back at me and smiled. 

“What’s your name?” 

“Mia. What’s yours?” 

“Jay.” 

My angel’s name was Jay. He told me that I shouldn’t be sitting all by myself in the dark and asked if I lost my friends. 

“No. I don’t have any friends.” I said. All he said was “I’m sure that’s not true.” Then I started to second guess his angel abilities. How does he not know I’m lonely? He must be new. He was just assigned to me because my original angel got tired of me. She was probably like “I really can’t take this depressed freak any longer. I’m retiring.” And now this poor guy has to suffer with me.

“How much of that Jungle juice did you drink?” 

“Jungle juice? What does that even mean?” 

“The poison,” he said

“Oh, the poison! I can’t remember. Maybe 4?”

“You had 4 cups?!” He yelled

“No! 4 sips you silly angel.”

He started to laugh and playfully called me a baby. I laughed too because I know I’m a wimp when it comes to liquor.

I wanted to be excited that someone was talking to me, but I felt horrible and I wanted to lay down. So I came up with a plan. Get this angel to take me back to my room but be so nice that he wants to be friends forever. So very nicely I said,

“Can you walk me back to my room? I think I’m all partied out.” I felt like I could trust him. You can always trust angels. Isn’t that their whole purpose? To be ANGELIC? They’re trustworthy and they don’t murder random drunk girls they found outside. He agreed to take me to my room. He asked me where I lived and I could barely think. I told him the yellow place. Now, I wasn’t wrong. My building is yellow! I just couldn’t think. He laughed. “Okay, Mia. I’ll get you there.” I handed him my keys and grabbed his hand. He interlocked his fingers with mine and I felt like nothing could hurt me.

When we finally made it to my building, I led him to my room, held the door, and said, “we’re home!” He unlocked my door and walked me in. I crawled into my bed and he said “are you going to be okay?” I knew he was trying to leave me. This was my only time interacting with someone other than myself this whole semester and he was about to walk out of my life. I would probably never see him again. I didn’t know what to say. What could I say? How do I get him to stay without making it awkward? I just nodded. We looked at each other for what felt like hours. My social anxiety could barely take it. He broke eye contact and pat my head like I was a dog or something. He said, “please change into your pajamas and I’ll be right back.” He walked out and left the door cracked. I don’t know why I was listening to this strange man that I met in the wilderness. But I quickly changed and got back into my bed. Before I knew it, I heard knocking and my angel saying “can I come back in? Are you dressed?” I said yes and he came back in with water, Gatorade, and some chips. “I got these for you. It should help a little bit. You can have them now or when you wake up.” 

I felt so cared for. I knew he was an angel sent to take care of me. I felt like everything was going to be okay. I felt like all of my problems faded away. He pats my head again and told me to have sweet dreams. He asked me to lock the door behind him. And just like that, he was gone. I drank some of the water and went to the window. Eventually, I saw him walking to the building across from mine. I was so psyched to meet someone! And for the first time in a long time, sleep felt so easy.

PART ONE

PART TWO

Dear Diary (Part Two)

2

April 5, 2018

Dear Diary,

I woke up with Jay taking up my whole bed. I know sharing a twin bed is tough but he could be more aware of his surroundings. I never usually wake up before him. He usually waits hours for me to wake up and when I take too long he likes to make noise and wait for me to open my eyes. He usually says “good morning beautiful” even though it’s well into the afternoon.  I love that. He makes me feel cared for and loved. I’ve never felt that before. I watched him sleep for a moment. He looked so comfy and I was happy he could feel that with me. I put my head on his extended arm and he pulled me closer. I felt him waking up so I pretended to be asleep. I didn’t want him to think I was awake because I wasn’t ready to be a human yet. He reached for his phone to check the time. Then, he caressed my face and kissed my forehead as he got out of bed. As I watched him put his clothes and shoes back on, I started to think of something to say. I didn’t want to say anything but he was just going to leave. I don’t know why this was upsetting me because I didn’t even want to speak to him. But I didn’t want him to leave. 

 

I’m always in my head. I was thinking of something to say to him. “Where are you going?” or “You’re leaving?” or maybe I should’ve said, “so you just came for the pussy and now you’re on your way?” I didn’t end up saying any of those things though. He “woke me up” in the gentlest way. He just kept caressing my face as he whispered “Mia?” I pretended to wake up. “Hmm?” 

 

“I have some things to take care of today. So I have to leave campus. I won’t be back until Sunday” he whispered. Sunday? That’s two whole days. What could possibly be this important? He’s my only friend and he knows this. How could he leave me for two days straight? What am I supposed to do? Just sit and stare at my wall until he gets back? Am I supposed to make new friends for two days and then dump them when he gets back? Who am I supposed to eat my meals with? Does this mean he doesn’t want to be friends anymore? This is the worst way to tell someone you don’t want to be friends anymore. You can’t wake someone up from their slumber to break that kind of news to them. 

 

“You hate me?” I asked. 

I know he does. It’s because I’m always so dramatic. I’m always crying. It’s always something with me. I’m just really sensitive and I can’t help it. I keep crying over the smallest things. Like I see videos of puppies trying to walk with shoes on and I’m crying. Videos of military parents surprising their kids? Do not even get me started. And most importantly, I cry when there’s a minor inconvenience in my life. And since he’s my only friend, he’s always there to witness it. I think he also hates me because I’m a bad influence. And he just goes along with everything. I know he’s finally realizing that I’m no good.

 

“Absolutely not. I could never hate you. I just have to go back home and for a bit” 

Oh… maybe I’m just being dramatic again. I just need to calm down sometimes. I always have to take things to the next level. I should’ve known. You don’t wake someone up to tell them you don’t want to be friends anymore. You just leave them.

 

“I’ll video call you for lunch so we can still eat together okay? But come lock the door and go back to sleep.” After I locked the door, I started to cry. I need some new friends. I can’t be this sad because I’m going to be alone for two days. Or I need to learn to be okay on my own. 

 

Before we became friends I would just wander around by myself. I wouldn’t talk to anyone or even make eye contact. I did everything by myself. I probably never even spoke out loud. I mean I did, but to myself and that doesn’t count. I’m not sure I want to ever go back to being that lonely. I feel like I could probably branch out and make new friends now that I know that it’s possible for me. But just the thought of me putting myself out there is so scary to me. I know I’m not a bad person and that I have a lot to offer but I just can’t shake that fear.

 

PART ONE

PART THREE

Dear Diary (Part One)

1

April 4, 2018

Dear Diary,

They say journaling is a good way to empty your mind and inspect what is weighing you down. I think I just have a lot to say and no one to say it to. But I find it hard to write. Or maybe I find it hard to talk about my feelings. Sometimes I feel confused about every part of my life. Sometimes I’m not sure I actually know what’s going on…Inside and outside of my head. I’ve just kind of been here, but not really. I get up, do my responsibilities, then I get drunk and do something stupid. It’s my way of coping with my life. I’ve been tired of everything. I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to go to work. I want to drop out of school. I want to go ghost on the entire world. I just want to be able to stop existing. And I can’t shake these feelings. And I know I need a new way of coping. Because drinking until I can’t remember my problems doesn’t hit like it used to. It’s just creating new problems. Bigger problems. Like I wake up every day to vomit. I can’t remember my nights…or even my days. I’m afraid I do things just to hurt myself. I’m really just getting myself into trouble…

 

Yesterday, I got out of class and went to the store because I’ve been thinking about this new recipe for days now. I call it 4 Monsters. You take a full can of peach-flavored 4 Loko and mix it with a full can of mango-flavored Monster energy drink. I know it sounds stupid. I totally agree. But I did it anyway. It wasn’t very tasty but the monster did cut the flavor of death from the 4 Loko. And you know what? Within 10 minutes I had the strongest urge to scream. And before I knew it, I was screaming. I felt the caffeine coursing through my veins waking me up instantly while the alcohol was slowing me down and making me sleepy. It was such a new feeling. I was terrified but excited. I was laughing but crying at the same time. There were so many emotions. I could feel my heart ready to beat right out of my chest. I felt so alive. I knew it was a bad idea but I don’t fear death. So I’m 100% going to do it again. 

 

At some point, I felt like I needed to add some other feelings. So I called Jay. I actually wanted to text him but everything I typed up looked like keyboard smashes. And I knew he would not be able to decipher my code. I called him up and it rang and rang. I was so upset that he didn’t respond. He should answer my calls whenever I call him. What if I was dying and he’s the last person I wanted to talk to??? 

 

Anyways, after a good 40 minutes, he decides to finally call me back. He sounded really worried. He was just like “Mia? Are you okay? What’s wrong?” I was confused for a second but then I realized I called him 6 times back to back. All I could say was “yes come over” and I hung up. He was knocking at my door within 15 minutes. When he got to my room, he was out of breath. I don’t care though. I was angry that I had to call him 6 times and still wait for a response. Well… I mean I wanted to be angry. Caffeine really helps me keep my cool. But alcohol sometimes does the opposite. My new recipe had me feeling conflicted.  So when he rushed in, he kind of just grabbed me and held me. He held my face and asked if I was okay. I didn’t know what to say. Seeing him being concerned about my wellbeing made me feel good. He’s a really good guy and he deserves nothing but happiness in his life. But my brain told me he did not deserve happiness from me. So I yelled at him. 

 

“Where have you been? I’ve been trying to reach you for hours!” which was false because I only called him 6 times within 10 minutes. After that, I gave up. I mean I really did want to see him. But I didn’t try that hard. I could have gone to his room and checked on him. Something could have happened to him. When I hit him up, he usually answers right away. That’s already a big sign something wasn’t right. I just ignored it and kept it pushing. 

 

I’m so selfish. I think I just like being dramatic. It makes life more interesting. I like to stir the pot. I like to make problems so I’m not bored. Jay doesn’t deserve that. Sometimes I think about just leaving him alone. Like I want to stop answering his messages and phone calls. I want to stop hanging out with him, and I just want to disappear from his life. But every time I try, I feel bad and go back to being his friend.

 

“I was asleep.” 

 

I could tell. His eyes were puffy and he had sleep lines on his face. He didn’t even bother changing out of his pajamas. It looked like he just put his shoes on and ran right over. I started to feel really guilty. I think I might have worried him. He probably thought I was in danger. But I wasn’t. I was just lonely and wanted his company. I wanted someone to pay attention to me. Why am I such an attention whore? I had this man standing in front of me in full panic mode because I wanted some attention. But seeing him with sleep still in his eyes and worry on his face just made me want to hide. I didn’t want to look at him. Or even admit that I put him through that for something so trivial. He stood in front of me just waiting for me to say something. I really couldn’t come up with anything and I started to panic. So I just cried. Which in hindsight, probably worried him more. He just held me. He held me so tight. I don’t know what he thought was wrong but it felt good but bad at the same time. You know? I had so many emotions and it just didn’t sit well in my stomach. So naturally, I vomited. 

 

After I got it all out, I told him about my new recipe. He was upset I didn’t wait for him to try it. So I made him some. He just got really hyper and started dancing around. It was great! We didn’t even talk about what was wrong. We drank and then we went for a walk. It’s our thing. We walk in the woods in the middle of the night. He told me about his dream. Every night, he dreams about the zombie apocalypse. He has it all planned out. There’s no way a zombie will catch him slippin’. He wants to order hazmat suits and MREs. I think it’s cute when he rambles on about zombies. I get lost in his happiness.

 

After our walk, we went back to my room. It was 4 in the morning. He wanted to drop me off and go back to his room. I told him that it was too late to be wandering the campus by himself. I just wanted him to spend the night. He always gives me the same look when I ask him to stay with me. It’s always a raised eyebrow and a little smirk. He gets so full of himself. That’s usually when I tell him “never mind go home.” He always just laughs it off and gets comfy. Some nights, I’ll let him wear my pajamas and he complains about it every time but I know deep down inside, he loves it. I always pick the most ridiculous things for him to sleep in. Last week, I had him sleep in my unicorn onesie. He looked really cute. Since he was walking around in his pajamas, I had him change into one of my T-shirts. We cuddled and things until we fell asleep. 

 

PART TWO

So my goal is to keep writing fiction pieces. I want to see if I can write things other than plays so I’m trying. A lot of my inspiration comes from either prompts or music. My diary entries are inspired by a song. we’ll talk about it later when I post all the parts. okay enough chatting.

Ambien Was a Wild Ride

While I’m stuck at home during this world shutdown, I’ve decided to revamp this blog! I think it’ll be a great way to keep me entertained! I’ve been binge watching tv shows, eating, and sleeping… sleeping at 5am and waking up at 2pm. So enough of that! Let’s get started.

I know in the past I spoke about being on and off medications to help with my mental health. I am currently still off medications. I’m not opposed to them, I just get tired. I’ll probably be back on them soon enough. I’ll go into detail about all of them in a later post. Today I want to chat about Ambien. Ambien is a prescription sedative.

Ambien info

In 2012, I started seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. I spoke candidly about every problem that ever plagued me. I described symptoms of tons of things and they just listened with a concerned look on their faces. Everything I said seemed to concern them. I’m allowed to laugh about it now, but back then I was really sad about it. I explained to them that I always had trouble sleeping. It would take 6 or 7 hours for me to get to sleep which is pointless when you have to be awake before you actually got to sleep. Or when I did fall asleep my mind would wake me up to worry about everything and nothing an hour later. I was not getting good sleep because my mind would not shut off. I’m an overthinker. I think about everything that has ever happened to me and everything that has ever been said to me. Over and over. I ask myself,”what if” a zillion times a day. After explaining this to the doctors, they prescribed me a sedative to “turn my thoughts off at night.”

Definition of sedative.

So I picked up the prescription and that same night I took it. Can I just say that it’s one WILD drug. First of all, it really didn’t calm me or make me sleep. BUT! It did turn my brain off. I could barely walk or think cohesively. I was confused by my own existence. It made my bathroom floor tiles bounce around the room. It turned pictures into gifs. I could not type out texts without typos. I would also see vivid scenes when I closed my eyes and I don’t mean dreams. I remember closing my eyes and seeing an aquarium. I remember hearing things too. I remember hearing someone breathing and whispering when I’d be all alone. It was all too much but a great experience I can’t lie.

It made me feel numb but not at the same time. Its hard to explain. But it made music sound really good! Music just sounds so different on ambien. It was like I could hear it in my bones. So you know what I did? I made an ambien playlist. Music that would sound good but also be calming enough to put me to sleep. I found the playlist on my old iPod and i made it into a YouTube playlist to share with people now.

My Ambien Playlist

I’m not saying to do drugs and then listen to my playlist. I just wanted to share my experience. Maybe listen to it as you’re getting ready for bed. I suggest to play it on shuffle!