The walk took place 2 months after we met. We ordered dinner and stayed in to watch a movie together. I ordered chinese. He picked some sci-fi movie to watch. I wasn’t really interested at first but seeing how excited he was to watch it, made it interesting. It was really nice spending time with him. He was always laid back and he understood me. Or, he always tried to understand me. Anyway, he bought a bottle of cake-flavored vodka and he wanted to share it with me so we did that. He poured us shots for like an hour. It was a really interesting flavor. I don’t think I will ever drink that again. I can almost taste it just thinking about it.
I like to rate my drunkenness on a scale of 1-Trashed. Trashed is a 10 for me and a 1 would be the feeling after the first sip. When we both got to an 8, we decided to go for a stroll. Mind you it was almost 3 am. I’m stumbling around but as soon as we get outside I start running. Is it just me or does everyone else just NEED to run when they’re drunk? Jay runs after me and grabs me so tight. And in the sternest voice, he goes “ please don’t run away from me like that. It’s dark and it’s not safe.” That was so hot. All I could think about was the laws about having sex with your guardian angel. Was it illegal? I really didn’t want to go to jail but I was thinking about risking it!
Well actually, I did risk it! He held my hand and we wandered through the woods. We made it to this open field and laid down and watched the stars. He was rambling about some kind of alien invasion he dreamt of but I couldn’t pay attention. He always looks like a dream in low lighting. He’s an attractive man. It makes me wonder what my old guardian angel looked like. Was he also this beautiful? And if he was, why didn’t he ever hang out with me? Now that I think about it, that other guy was really rude.
Anyways, I could only really hear every few words. So you know what? I grabbed his face and I kissed him. He kissed me back! I was hoping it wasn’t against his angelic oath. When I pulled away, his smile was so big. He leaned in for another kiss. We were rolling around the field making out like we had no care in the world. Eventually, I got up and grabbed his hand. I led him back to my room.
And you know what? It probably is illegal to have sexual relations with your guardian angel. That’s why I’m attached. Because I broke the law.
Having friends isn’t always fun and games you know? There are some pros and cons to friendship. Pro, having someone to talk to. Con, Having no one to talk to when they’re away. Pro, having someone to eat with. Con, starving when they’re gone. Pro, hugs. Con, being deprived of physical affection when they’re gone. Also they might die before you! CON!
I know I’m being dramatic but I can’t really help it. I miss him. And I couldn’t bring myself to call Jay and tell him. I don’t need him thinking I can’t be without him. That would look so needy. So clingy. I’ll just wait for him to call me. Or until he comes back. Whichever comes first. I was thinking I should see Janet. I haven’t seen her in a hot minute. I know I ghosted her for a few months but I had to get my life together. I know everyone thinks your therapist is supposed to help you achieve that, but no. Janet was just slowing me down. Sometimes you need to take time to be alone and almost kill yourself to get your life back on track.She probably missed me a whole lot. You know what, I’m not even going to think about it. I’m just going to get dressed and go see her.
When I walked in, the front desk lady asked if I had an appointment. And that just made me so mad. You make the appointments, stupid! You know you didn’t make one for me. Just let me see Janet! I didn’t say that. I knew she was just trying to do her job. I just said “please can I see Janet.” She asked for my name and she told me to wait until Janet was free. I felt like I was only waiting for 3 seconds before I heard “Mia?” in a very confused voice. I got up and followed her into her office. I sat down and I said “so what’s up?” she hates it when I do that. She keeps telling me that she wants to talk about me and not her. She didn’t have time for my nonsense.
“Mia I have not seen you in months. And today you just walk in and ask me what’s up? What is going on?” I mean there’s a lot going on with me. I can see why she would be frustrated. So I started to tear up and explained that when I last saw her, I wasn’t doing well at all. And she was on some “I think that’s more of a reason to come in to see me.” But that’s asking for too much. To have to dig into your mind, soul, and heart and just share? With other people?? I don’t think so! Anyways she was very concerned about my suicide attempt. I think she wanted to hospitalize me. But she’s entirely too late. I told her I’m doing amazing. And I kinda am. I’m just a little lonely right now. But when Jay comes back I’ll be great.
You know? I can never just sit in one place when I’m talking to her. I just feel the need to pace when I’m in her office. It’s probably why I never feel comfortable going there. I always find myself word vomiting. I start bringing things up and ignoring questions. It’s like I stop understanding the words she’s saying to me. And then to make up for it, I say whatever. Then I get embarrassed and then I want to flee the scene. But I can never stop myself. So you know what I said?
“Listen, Janet I have to tell you something. A few months ago, I met a man. He’s my guardian angel. And he left me for 2 days.” I immediately asked myself why I said it that way. Why did I choose to sound nuts? It’s like my mouth has a mind of her own.
So let’s recap, I haven’t seen my therapist in months, I show up unexpectedly, and I immediately start rambling about meeting my own guardian angel. Janet did not look amused. She looked really worried actually. I didn’t even know how to take that back. We were exchanging worrisome looks in complete silence and eventually, I just said, “Okay maybe I shouldn’t have come” and I was headed for the door but Janet stood in front of it and said, “you can’t keep running away.” She was right. But I just felt the need to scream so I did. I let it out and she jumped a bit. I sat back down and I explained the whole Jay situation. And I explained it all in one breath before breaking down into tears. Don’t ask why I cried. I’m not entirely sure why. It’s just this thing I do. I go to therapy, word vomit, cry, and leave. It’s my routine. Janet’s routine is asking me how I’m doing, nodding, saying “let’s unpack that,” handing me tissues, and ending with, “okay I’ll see you next week?”
Anyways, she seemed relieved to know that Jay was real. I think calling him my guardian angel threw her off.
After my meeting, I decided to get lunch and bring it back to my room. As I ate, I realized I’ve been lying to Jay. I told him I was eating and leaving my room. I even told him I went to the mall. Why? So he doesn’t think I was being weird. He’s my friend. He knows what I’m about. I shouldn’t have lied to him. Now I have to confess or keep up with the lie for the rest of my life.
I need to figure out the exact moment I became attached to him. I’ll put the date into a time machine and reverse it. I cannot be this lost without him. I’m an independent woman and I don’t need a man. I don’t care if that man is my guardian angel. I don’t know if the attachment started when I first met him, or if it was after hanging out with him. Or maybe it was our first late night walk? It was most likely the walk…
Tea Time With Taina 